Unstoppable Force meets Immovable Object, Everything goes to Shit
by LancerGaShinda
Summary: The long-running battle between Orimura Ichika's unacknowledged harem and his uncompromising density comes to a head with explosive results. The incident forever marks him a legend... outside Earth, anyway...


Never let it be said Orimura Ichika wasn't attractive to women. Unfortunately for them, he was never cognisant of this particular trait and despite their best efforts to make him aware of their desires, he remained as dense as a black hole – which probably explained the scale of his woman-only gravitational field.

On that note, some of his close friends got together to discuss the issue of Ichika's 'disease' yet again – after which they came to the conclusion that if left unchecked, it would spread beyond the boundaries of the IS Academy and eventually lead to a mass invasion of the premises, with Ichika as the target for capture.

So terrified were they of that scenario they decided the best remedy was to confront Ichika in his dorm room and _cure_ him... together _._ Yes – _**together**_.

Little did they know what would come to pass instead...

-(:)-

Just as Ichika was about to get into bed, someone knocked on his door.

"Who is it?"

"It's me," Houki replied.

"I'll be right there."

Seconds later, he opened the door to greet her.

"Hey there, Houki. What can I... oh, hey guys..."

He clearly wasn't expecting his close friends to be stood outside his dorm room, especially with those things they were carrying.

"...Um, what's with the futons and blankets?"

"We'll explain later," replied Cecilia. "May we enter?"

"Oh, sure. Step right in."

Having noticed the looks on his friends' faces, Ichika realised whatever they came around for was probably important, so he let them in post haste before locking his door.

It was a tight squeeze, but they managed to put their materials in place.

"OK," Ichika started, "what's the situation?"

"We're here to spend the night, Ichika," said Charlotte. "We can't wait any longer."

 _Wait any longer for what?_

Oh, Ichika...

After that, it was Rin's turn to elucidate the situation.

"Ichika, we've all decided to give you sweet and sour pork."

 _At this time of night? I'll be honest... I'd rather receive a hundred smacks to the head from Chifuyu-nee than whatever the hell Cecilia's cooked up._

To his credit, Ichika kept that thought very much to himself.

"Ichika, it is time for you to fulfil your marital duties as our wife," Laura declared.

 _Hmm, I should really get her to learn the corr– ...wait, 'our' wife? The hell does that mean? ...And what's with their clothing?_

Naturally, Ichika wouldn't be Ichika if he could quickly discern his companions' sleepwear of choice was made with him in mind.

"Like what you see, Ichika-san?" Cecilia expressed her joy at catching his attention. "There's more where that came from, tee-hee~"

 _Well... I must admit she looks rather fetching in that outfit. Why she wants my opinion on it, I hav– whaa?! Why is Houki pressing herself against me?!_

No explanation needed there.

 _Holy shit, I can feel theeeeeeemmmmm!_

And none needed there either.

"Ichika... we hoped you would choose someone of your own volition, but it is clear that will never happen. Still, we wish to impress onto you an important fact..."

Despite being clueless about the context, Ichika knew that whatever Houki was referring to, it was _significant_. The fact her hands were softly caressing the back of his head might have had something to do with it, too.

"What is it?"

As one, the women responded:

"We are in love with you, Ichika."

With that declaration made, Houki put her lips to his... and all hell broke loose a second later.

He never knew strawberries could taste so good...

-(:)-

Such was the intensity of these nocturnal activities that Ichika never had a chance (in his mind) to ascertain his companions' reasons for initiating them, not to mention he forgot everything they told him beforehand; still, he could admit they felt really _good_.

They even made for a great cardio workout! Why nobody told him _that_ useful titbit was beyond him, but there was no point complaining abo–

" _Ahhhn~_! _Ichikaaa~_!"

...What was he thinking about again? Also, that particular utterance had been spoken by all five women at some point or another, and he _really_ liked hearing it.

And no, he wasn't sure why that was so; nor, for that matter, why he kept thinking of sweet and sour pork whenever someone sat on his face...

-(:)-

Over in the control room, Orimura Chifuyu watched the situation unfold on the screens hooked up to Ichika's dorm cameras.

"Well it's about damn time."

Now that Ichika was getting lucky (whether or not he accepted it), his paramours had one less issue to throw hissy fits over, and that meant less stress for her. Furthermore, he could finally put that siscon issue of his to rest, or at least tone it down... though if she were honest, she was of two minds about what it meant to her...

-(:)-

It was almost noon by the time Ichika woke up.

 _Good_ Lord _, that was some dream. What are the chances of that... happening in... real...?_

All his friends had dressed up and were looking expectantly at him... with happy expressions, too.

He briefly considered his 'dream' for what it actually was until his obliviousness kicked into high gear.

"Hey, guys... uh... what are you all doing here?"

Unsurprisingly, their expressions turned to that of confusion, along with a little hurt. Between themselves, it was Charlotte who was chosen to broach the issue at hand.

"Don't you remember, Ichika? All the things we did last night?"

He considered the 'dream' again.

"Hmm... wait... you mean that workout dream was real?!"

"...Workout dream?"

"I recall thinking it made for a good cardio workout. By the way – props to whoever came up with that."

"..."

Ichika suddenly felt like a pig on a spit roast. Those glares would have made Chifuyu-nee proud.

"Mouuuu~! How can you forget about the precious confessions we made to you last night?!"

 _Confessions?_

Now that there were no activities to cloud his mind, Charlotte's exclamation prompted Ichika to recall a particular phrase his friends said in unison:

 _We are in love with you, Ichika._

Did that mean... did that mean... did that mean...?!

Confronted with this unyielding truth, the legendary blockhead that went by the name of Orimura Ichika had no choice but to acknowledge the situation before him.

"..."

He blinked once.

"..."

Thirty seconds later, he blinked a second time.

"..."

Another thirty seconds later, he blinked a _third_ time.

-(:)-

His silence wasn't doing them any favours. By this point, their glares had morphed into expressions of concern.

Despite the many months spent trying – and failing – to have **The World's One And Only Male IS Pilot** acknowledge the decidedly _intimate_ feelings they all had for him, they were well aware Ichika needed an opportunity to process, then respond if they wanted the situation to be resolved.

Not that it was easy.

"...Heh..."

In recent weeks, his extraordinary inability to recognise an expression of romantic interest if it smothered his heads – metaphorically and literally – was a test of their ability to maintain certain higher-order thinking skills.

Namely, their willingness not to kill Ichika for being mind-numbingly oblivious. Or screw him senseless in the corridors. Or both... in either order.

"He heh..."

They were teenagers charged with the responsibility of handling personalised hi-tech military weapons, after all.

And whatever the hell that irritating background noise was, it definitely wasn't helping eit–

"He he heh..."

...Scratch that, it was a foreground noise... _Ichika's_ noise.

Ichika's quiet chuckling, to be precise.

"He he heh, he he heh..."

The women redoubled their focus on Ichika and took notice of a particular feature that forewarned people of a situation they should be wary of.

His eyes were hidden.

"He he heh, he he ha ha..."

As the volume of his chuckling-turned-laughter continued to increase, so did the apprehension the women felt. Whatever his reactions were, they weren't sure they could be classed as normal... that said, it wasn't _normal_ to be a male IS pilot, either.

That thought didn't settle their nerves, given the context of their situation.

"He ha ha ha, he ha ha ha ha..."

Neither did the emergence of a slasher smile.

"Ha ha ha ha ha...!"

Ichika stood up and stared directly at his unacknowledged harem, who in turn noticed his eyes turned a terror-inducing shade of red. An arousing shade of red.

A _glowing_ shade of red.

"Ha ha ha ha ha! HA HA HA HA HA!"

In that moment, an epiphany bitch-slapped them with the force of a woman scorned... rather like the blinding light which suddenly erupted from Ichika's entire body.

"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

They were fucked.

" **HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!** "

Once again, they were well and truly fucked by Ichika.

" _ **HA HA HA HA HA HA HA**_ **!** "

And certainly _not_ the way they were last night.

" _ **HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA**_ _ **–**_ **!** "

Right there and then, Orimura Ichika exploded with biblical might.

-(:)-

As a result – his dorm room... the dormitories... the Academy... Japan... Asia... Planet Earth... the _entire Solar System_ were obliterated by what other systems would come to label the **Superorimuranova**.

Left in its wake was a black hole. By mutual consent, the newest addition to the Milky Way was simply named **Ichika-baka**.

As long as the Milky Way lived on, so would the legend of Orimura Ichika.

* * *

 **Woohoo – my first (and perhaps only) fanfic!**

 **Despite his reputation as one of the most oblivious harem progs w.r.t. romance, it has been suggested that Ichika probably knows more than he's given credit for (at least in the light novel). Of course, that was not the approach I took when making this crack-ish fic. XD**

 **From what little anime/manga I've seen, it seems that such characters _usually_ become aware of their situation after varying lengths of time, so I asked myself – what happens when they can no longer deny awareness of the situation, then reject it with prejudice?**

 **I took inspiration from Natsuru's earbleed in episode 8 of _Kämpfer Abridged_ , and adapted it to the black hole density that such characters are known for.**

 **So here we are. :P**


End file.
